Yo everyone. La Saloppe Francaise here again….finally. Phew, it’s been a loooong and eventful 12 weeks and I’m cream crackered. Christmas and New Year was immense fun with the boys, I was the only girl at the party by the only gays in the village. It was fantastic apart from my new lodger James who behaved like, well how can I say this diplomatically? Oh what the….I’ll just say it anyway, behaved like a “man”. Not like any man I’m used to admittedly, more like Billy the Whizz from the Beano. If any of you know this character you know he rushes everywhere and so his character is permanently surrounded by a cloud to demonstrate his immense speed. Well James has his own cloud, only his is just a whirlwind of s**t. That’s right folks, everywhere he goes his cloud follows leaving a trail of dirt and destruction in his wake. Quite unbelievable until you see it for yourselves. Never in my life have I ever encountered SUCH filth on SUCH a continuous basis.
So, one day, I woke up, decided I had enough and sold him! Yes peoples, that’s right. It is possible to sell human beings to the highest bidder via the wonderful world wide web. I posted an advert on a website for ex-pat Englaisies offering handyman/gardener services in return for board and lodging and was blown away by not only the volume, but the quality of responses. From people who owned organic vineyards to others who just needed help with their hundreds of hectares of land. So, checking meticulously to ensure I wasn’t packing him off to a life of Hell, I duly found a very, very nice lady who is a music artiste AND a dog trainer who also looks not too disimilar to the late Farrah Fawcett – www.carolinelavelle.com. She lives not very far away from where we are, but far enough for him not to want to drive back regularly – or so I hoped!
I presented the option to James and woo hoo, he jumped at the opportunity and a couple of days later he was gone. Only, several days later he was also gone from very, very nice lady’s too, so it was nice to know it wasn’t just my impossibly high standards. He is now apparently living in a caravan that has no electricity and no running water. The “no running water” part is a major factor in James’ current hygiene to which the boys will attest, as he visited them on the scrounge a couple of days ago. He was bleating about having to eat food out of tins but of course he could choose to hook up a 26 euro bottle of gas to the cooker but he won’t because that would entail spending his own money – God forbid. One of my friends describes James as a 40 year old teenager. The words I would use are very different but being a lady I will just leave it to your copious imaginations 
Until the next time, I bid you all a very, very bonne soirée.