The Alternate Dictionary

Welcome to the Port 80 Dictionary: a selection of words and phrases that do not exist officially, but which clearly ought to.

Abolical(adj.) Loathsome, abhorrent.
Acopalypse(n.) A thoroughly disastrous event or set of circumstances that results in a run-in with the police.
Adultivity(n.) Full maturity: the state of being an adult.
Adverteasement(n.) Advertising that utilises sex to sell the product in question.
Affluenza(n.) The mistaken belief that being in possession of wealth is an excuse for poor manners.
Afrodisiac(n.) A very sexy, provocative hair style.
Aliass(n.) A body-double for the filming of a nude scene.
Ambisextrous(adj.) Bisexual.
Amsirahc(n.) The opposite of charisma.
Anecdotage(n.) The advanced age of a person’s life when all one does is relate stories about the olden days.
Antastic(adj.) Very bad, usually with reference to feeling hung-over. Opposite of fantastic.
Assmosis(n.) The process by which people advance by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

Bartenderness(n.) The phenomenon of being sexually attracted to the person serving you drinks.
Bedgasm(n.) A feeling of euphoria triggered by the act of finally climbing into bed after a challenging day/ordeal.
Beginulate(v.) Commence, start.
Benefficient(adj.) Something or someone that aids or assists, and in a very efficient manner.
Blamestorming(v.) Sitting around in a group, discussing what went wrong and who was responsible.
Blunderrhoea(n.) A condition where one keeps uncontrollably making mistake after mistake.
Boris(n.) An incompetent, dishonest and wholly morally bankrupt person.
Bowieism(n.) A religion that recognises the one true lord and savior: the Thin White Duke, David Bowie.
Bozone(n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.
Brexit(v.) To make a catastrophic mistake, having totally failing to grasp the facts of the matter.
Buysexual(n.) One who gets turned on by the act of going shopping.
Buystranders(n.) The plastic dividers used by supermarket customers to separate their purchases from those of the person behind them in the queue.

Caffiend(n.) A chronic caffeine addict.
Cashtration(n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Catastrussphe(n.) A disastrous event causing great damage or suffering, perpretrated by an utter moron holding a position for which they are wholly unqualified.
Caterpallor(n.) The colour one turns upon discovering half of a grub in the food one is eating.
Ceasure(n.) A fatal seizure.
Celeberate(v.) To turn the scolding or criticising of someone into an event worthy of commemoration.
Chestal(adj.) Relating to the chest.
Chronoptimist(n.) One who habitually underestimates how much time is needed for a given task.
Cleptopenia(n.) A condition wherin sufferers compulively steal pens whenever they see them.
Consterpation(n.) Bottled up irritation or anger that is incredibly hard to expel.
Crisitunity(n.) A situation that is as much a crisis as it is an opportunity.

Decafalon(n.) The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Defenestraction(n.) A ruse to divert the attention of the police whilst one throws incriminating evidence out of a window.
Delegration(n.) The irritation one feels at having yet more work passed onto one by one’s superiors.
Denieter(n.) An overweight person who orders a very fatty, poor-quality meal and then complimemnts it with a diet soft drink as useless nod to watching their calories.
Descember(n.) The inevitable, painful slide into winter.
Determinated(adj.) Determined to achieve something regardless of the risk involved.
Dishingenuous(adj.) The term for the insincere or false praise of a meal someone makes up on tasting it.
Doughnut Sleep(n.) A sleep with a big hole in the middle. When you wake up in the middle of the night and lie awake for hours before falling asleep again.
Doso(adj.) Describes someone who is mentally unstable, or who is suffering a temporary lapse of reason. (Acronym for Danger to One’s Self or Others).
Drunkening(n.) The process of becoming drunk.

Edgehog(n.) One who insists on taking the aisle seat on public transport vehicles.
Efeet(n.) A male whose feet appear distinctly feminine in shape.
Effluent(adj.) Extremely wealthy: stinking rich.
Ejeculate(v.) The act of utilising the “withdrawal” method of contraception.
Embiggen(v.) To make bigger, enlarge.
Empashame(n.) The feeling of embarassment or shame you have on another’s behalf for their terrible behaviour, to which they are themselves oblivious
Errorist(n.) One who is continually prone to making mistakes.
Escribitionist(n.) One who keeps an electronic diary such as a blog and publishes their entries on the internet.
Euronate(v.) To spend large sums of money while on holiday in Europe.
Existencil(n.) A tool used to perform some seriously thought-provoking home decorating.
Extelligence (n.) Popular, common knowledge in the form of tribal legends, folklore, nursery rhymes, books, etc.

False bottom1. (n.) A concealed compartment in a briefcase.
2. (n.) A gay man who lies when he claims to be passive.
Facepsalm1. (n.) A gesture to express exasperation when dealing with a religious fanatic.
Feck(adj.) A generic term for the personal qualities of competence, purpose, direction.
Filf(n.) An attractive man who has children. An acronym for Father I’d Like to F**k.
Flavourite(adj.) One’s preferred flavour.
Fordeign(v.) To make predictions or prophecies about the future.
Foreploy(n.) Any misrepresentation about oneself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
Foxymoron(n.) A highly attractive person who is extremely stupid but nonetheless desirable.
Fubar(adj.) An acronym: F**ked Up Beyond All Recognition.
F**ktangular(n.) Describes a situation that is complicated and messy in multiple unpleasant and complex ways.
Funderwear(n.) Generic term for sexy lignerie/underpants.

Gate-rape(n.) The experience of going through security control at the airport and being molested by the staff.
Geobrag(v.) To boast about one’s current location (often on social media) to elict jealous reactions.
Gift Parasite(n.) One who adds their name to the label of a gift to which they didn’t contribute.
Gingerrhoea(n.) A permanent, incurable medical condition causing the hair of sufferers to be ginger in colour.
Godshite(n.) A term for those of a religious persuasion who are unable to keep their views to themselves and feel compelled to try and convert others to their faith.
Gove(v.) To tell lies.
Greebo(n.) A greasy, unwashed, scruffy person. Usually with reference to teenagers/young adults.
Gropeable(adj.) To be very angry at something or someone.
Guitarthritis(n.) Pain in the hands or wrists bought on by excessive guitar-playing.

Happify(v.) To make someone happy.
Hereticat(n.) A cat that exhibits bizarre, un-feline behaviour.
Heteroflexible(adj.) Describes a straight person who has been known to experiment with his or her sexuality.
Hipatitis(n.) Terminal coolness.
Hippocritamus(n.) One who performs an act of great hypocracy.
Horracious(adj.) Extremely awful, disastrous.
Hanger(n.) The state of being so hungry it leads to irritability.

Idipus(n.) A cat whose personality is entirely made up of basic instinctual drives or impulses, centered on gratification and pleasure, needing immediate satisfaction.
iFatigue(n.) The state of being fed up at yet again having to upgrade to the latest Apple device at great expense.
Ignoranus(n.) A person who’s both stupid and an arsehole.
Innocentre(n.) A place where naive people hang out.
Inoculatte(v.) To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Intaxication(n.) The euphoria one feels upon receiving a tax rebate.
Intelegant(adj.) Something or someone that is simultaneously clever and stylish.
Introubulate(v.) The act of getting someone into trouble.
Ironicide(n.) Death by irony.
Irreventive(adj.) Regardless of the inventor.
Inverted Coma(n.) One suffering from an inverted coma experiences a long period of heightened physical activity (and very poor spelling).

Jackrod(n.) Idiot, buffoon.
Januwary(adj.) When you treat with suspicion any sunny day that occurs during winter, you are being Januwary.
Jigarette(n.) A hand-rolled cigarette that contains a small amount of weed, but not enough to call it a joint.
Juniority(n.) The state or fact of being junior; a lowly position in a profession or with a company.
Juristriction(n.) A lessening of one’s power or influence over a particular area.

Kamaseuticals(n.) Medicinal sexual aids such as Viagra.
Kharmageddon(n.) The moment when one is made to pay in full for all the misdeeds one has committed throughout one’s life.
Kidiot(n.) A child of sub-standard intelligence.

Lactomangulation(n.) The process of getting into a sustained battle with a carton of milk one is trying to open that results in the container becoming so damaged it is unusable.
Lesbertise(v.) To utilise attractive women posing as lesbians in advertisements in order to sell a product.
Lethargist(n.) One who takes being lazy very seriously.
Lubricakes(n.) The cookies, treats and other gifts purchased in order to gain favour with one’s boss.
Luci(n.) A person to whom one is attracted, in the belief that they are male, but who ultimately turns out to be both female and gay. An acronym for Lesbian Upon Closer Inspection.
Lesservescent(adj.) When a fizzy beverage goes flat, it is lesservescent.
Lexer(n.) “Little England Xenophobe”. A name for British nationalists.

Malasia(n.) A feeling of uneasiness, discontent, or despondency that comes upon you when you are in South-East Asia.
Malfortuous(adj.) Unlucky, regrettable.
Malparkage(n.) The state of being illegally, or just extremely badly, parked.
Managerie(n.) Like a hareem, but one in which where all the occupants are male.
Manscape1. (n.) A vista consisting of attractive men.
2. (v.) To artfully shave and sculpt a man’s body hair.
Masturdate(v.) To take oneself out for an expensive meal, alone.
McBelly(adj.) The dull aching sensation one has in one’s stomach upon eating anything made by McDonalds.
Meanery(n.) Cruelness, unfairness. Nasty behaviour.
Mic(adj.) Describes a product that is poorly-made using cheap materials and that is guaranteed to break within a few uses. An acronym for Made In China.
Milf(n.) An attractive woman who has children. An acronym for Mother I’d Like to F**k.
Minging(adj.) Disgusting, ugly, revolting.
Misunderestimate(v.) To make an accurate estimation of the quantity, degree, or worth of something.
Multidude(n.) The collective noun for a group of surfers.

Napjerk(n.) A sudden and involuntary spasm of the body that occurs as one is falling asleep.
Nearection(n.) When the penis is mid-way between flaccid and erect.
Netoriety(n.) The measure of one’s reputation or infamy on the internet.
Negitulation(n.) A discussion on the terms of a transaction or agreement, wherein one side completely capitulates to the demands of the other.
Neurovore(n.) One who lives on his/her nerves.
Ninjury(n.) An injury, usually a pulled muscle, sustained while trying to show off a martial arts move.
Novender(n.) A person who hates the winter months and would rather just hibernate till spring.

Obeseist(n.) One who is prejudiced against chronically overweight people.
Obliviot(n.) One who is totally unaware of their own idiocy.
OC/DC(n.) An anxiety disorder characterised by repetitive behaviors, wherein the sufferer is a rock star.
Octover(n.) The depression that sets in when the weather starts to turn shit.
Omnisexual(adj.) Describes one who is attracted to everything.
Osteopornosis(n.) A degenerate disease.
Otherwhere(adv.) In or to another place; somewhere else.

Padomoca(n.) Parrot-dog-monkey-cat. An alternate, generic name for cats of the Devon Rex breed.
Petois(n.) The tone and style of talking used by animal owners to talk to their pets.
Platomasochism(n.) The tendency to touch a very hot plate, having already been warned it is too hot to touch.
Polarvoid(n.) The total lack of baby pictures taken by parents of their (usually second-born) child.
Pomosexual(adj.) Describes a person who feels their sexuality is too fluid to be categorised as heterosexual or homosexual.
Proffessional1. (adj.) Not particularly skilful; inexperienced or amateurish.
2. (n.) An amateur or inexperienced person.
Procrasturbation(n.) The act of engaging in a pleasurable activity when one ought to be attending to chores.
Promulent(adj.) Prevalent, popular, commonplace.
Pseudopose(v.) The act of pretending to be aware of something when in fact being totally ignorant of it.
Psychophancy(n.) Obsequious and utterly insane behaviour towards someone important in order to gain advantage.

Quag(n.) A problem, or a gripe.
Quagminded(adj.) Being in a troubled or confused mental state.
Quintesensual(n.) The perfect embodiment of a thing or person that one finds sexually attractive.

Rediculous(adj.) If you are rediculous, you repeatedly act like a prick.
Refudiate(v.) To deny acceptance of an idea or a command. Deliberately refusing to cooperate.
Relattio(n.) One’s relattio is the number of steady relationships one has had divided by the number of different partners.
Resignate (v.) To evoke a feeling of shared emotion or belief in something depressing and/or inevitable.
Resigoo(n). An unpleasant, sticky substance of unknown origin.
Retailiate(v). The act of taking revenge on one’s partner by going on a reckless shopping spree with their credit card.
Retirony(n.) To die just before being due to retire.
Retox(v.) To replenish the body’s supply of toxins by going on a hedonistic binge.
Retrophobia(n.) Fear of the past.
Revoltment(n). An unwelcome, unpleasant or disturbing development.

Sacrillicious(adj.) Defines the act of committing religious sacrilege where that sacrilege involves something tasty.
Sadopopulism(n.) To deliberately inflict pain on your followers then direct their anger at the “other” (immigrants/outsiders) to ensure their ongoing support.
Sandwish(n.) A sudden and intense craving for a snack.
Sarchasm(n.) The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
Septemper(n.) The irritation one feels upon realising that the summer is over already.
Sheeple(n.) Easily-led people of sub-standard intelligence.
Sheppey(adj.) Run-down, impoverished; in a very poor condition. Desolate.
Shituation(n.) A very dire set of circumstances.
Slackivism(n.) The act of showing support for a cause solely by posting a Facebook status update.
Slurrage(n.) A poorly-enunciated speech delivered rapidly and while under the influence of alcohol.
Smeagly(adj.) Refers to one who is sneaky, tricksy, false or devious in behaviour.
Stopcock1. (n.) A valve in a pipe.
2. (n.) Someone who interferes with your attempt to get some nookie.
Suiside(n.) The path to follow/way to behave if you wish to end up dead.

Teasmith(n.) Someone who is well-versed in the art of tea-making.
Telecrastination(n.) The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before picking it up, even when it is to hand.
Temporicide(n.) The act of procrastinating: killing time.
Testiculating(v.) The act of waving one’s arms around and talking b*llocks.
Transmundane(adj.) Something that is bizarre or unusual; a rare occurence.
Truss(v.) To do a catastrophic amount of damage in a very short space of time.
Tumfoolery(n.) When a middle-aged man sucks in his stomach while being introduced to an attractive, younger person.
Typochondriac(n.) A paranoid proofreader.
Twenty Sixteen1. (adj.) A nadir. When things hit rock bottom.
2. (n.) A total disaster or catastrophe.

Unanimosity(n.) Where all parties concerned are totally united in their hatred of something or someone.
Unpossible(adj.) Not possible, cannot be done.
Unpresidented(adj.) (In US politics): to lose the popular vote yet win the electoral college vote results in you being unpresidented (and an illiterate moron).
Updation(n.) The act or process of updating something or someone.
Unwordly(adj.) Something that defines definition.

Velocilator(n.) The accelerator pedal of a car.
Vehemental(adj.) Describes behaviour that is so empassioned or angry that it borders on insanity.
Verbosify(v.) To embellish or add to a speech or piece of writing.
Virgin Screwdriver (v.) An orange juice, served with ice.

Wastecoat(n.) An impractical jacket or overcoat, purchased for its appearance rather than for its ability to provide protection from the elements.
Wattleship(n.) Cruise liners used for holidays for seniors.
Webshite(n.) A very poorly designed website or web service.
Whinese(n.) The universal language of snivelling, spoiled brats the world over.
Windows Update(n.) An automated process that gives a PC the machine equivalent of a full-frontal lobotomy. It is ingeniously devised to run uniquely at the most inconvenient moment possible.
Wordsmith(n.) A skilled writer or author.

Xenomaniac(n). One who is obsessed with foreign places, people, cultures etc.
Xenophiliac(n). One who has an obsessive, erotic interest in foreigners.

Yesteryonder(adv.) A reference to a period of time very far in the past/to a way of life that no longer exists.
Youthemism(n.) A concept or an explanation that has been simplified so as to be more understandable to children.

Zark(n.) An all purpose, inter-galactic expletive.
Zentropy(n.) A meditative state during which, one attempts to measure the amount of random disorder in the world.