How to Drive Like an Italian

Before setting off:

• Locate the indicator switch in your vehicle. Rip it out and forget everything you may have heard about its purpose.

• Try to travel with a passenger up front with you. Failing that, ensure you at least have a mobile phone: this is essential. Do NOT, however, ever purchase or use a Hands-Free kit. They are for pussies.

• Psyche yourself up. Essentially, you need to assume a mind-set somewhere between an ambulance driver rushing to the scene of an accident and a psychotic bully riding the dodgems at a fairground.

• Your mantra is “Never slow down, never give way”. Live by this.

• Drink your bodyweight in red wine.

Once on the road:

• Immediately call someone on your mobile phone, or, if you have a passenger with you, begin a long, heated debate with them. Maintain eye contact with them as much as possible.

• Light a cigarette. Smoke continuously throughout the journey, ideally taking your eyes off the road for long periods when lighting up.

• Whereas conventional wisdom states that one should slow down for pedestrians crossing the road, know that in fact you should accelerate.

• You cannot drive fast enough. Ensure you are at all times up against the car in front.

• Understand that road signs, especially speed restriction signs, are only for other people.

• Understand that the white road markings dividing the lanes have no function. Bonus points for travelling the entire way straddling these lines.

• Cars on sliproads are the enemy. Defend to the death your right to travel in the adjacent lane at top speed to ensure they cannot join the motorway.

• At all times, avoid facing the way you are going for as much as possible. This is why it pays to have a passenger with you up front, or a mobile phone. Other distractions you may consider trying include*: read a book, look around for stuff on the floor of the car, apply makeup/brush your hair, eat/drink something.

• If you havent cut up a minimum of 5 people per hour, you are underperforming.

*all of these were observed by us on Italy’s A1 motorway this week. No lie.